A New Age Of Hope

We are witnessing a revolution in attitudes to wards sex and patriarchy. A month ago, the supreme court, in a landmark judgment decriminalizing gay sex sent a clear message that social morality cannot violate the rights of individuals. There was an overwhelming positive response and the LGBTQ community had much to celebrate. Perhaps the progressive nature of this judgment gave us hope, and by us, I mean women. Maybe that’s why the #MeToo movement has developed momentum and snowballed into a revolution.

It’s no longer just about courts and laws either. A dam has burst and voices refuse to be quelled. They are making themselves heard over outraged opposition from persons of power and popularity.

In the last couple of years, we as a country have successfully put the spotlight on a number of taboo subjects like consent, menstruation, female feticide and sexual assault. But this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Marital rape and sexual dysfunction need to see the light of day. These subjects are suppressed to avoid embarrassment and ostensibly to preserve the sanctity of marriage and the stability of family life. But in reality, these issues can cause immense stress to a marriage, destroy the confidence and self image of the individuals involved, and traumatize the kids growing up in families dealing with these issues.

What Is Sexual Dysfunction And Why Is It A Big Deal?

Sexual dysfunction is defined as any problem during sex that makes it difficult for an individual or couple to achieve sexual satisfaction.

Ideally, sex should be a process of give and take where partners are considerate of each other’s insecurities and vulnerabilities, sensitive to each others needs, and endeavor to bring each other intense pleasure. Sex of this kind increases intimacy, happiness and mutual respect in a marriage, thus strengthening the marriage and laying a strong foundation for a stable and happy family life.

But sex is a sensitive subject. Not being able to enjoy it, can make you feel humiliated and guilty. You may also fear, that if you cant keep your spouse sexually satisfied, they may look for it outside your marriage.

You may choose to hide your reluctance and grit your teeth and get through it, and or make excuses to avoid it as often as possible. You may think you are being kind to your partner. But you are not.. The facade is difficult to keep up long term. Sex is so intimate, that your partner is likely to notice your reluctance. This can make you partner feel offended, under confident and or unattractive. This can cause you both to feel resentful and sex becomes a chore and eventually disappears in the relationship.

If you don’t address the problem the resentment will fester, grow and leak out in to other aspects of your family life. Soon, it is likely that you will be snapping at each other, provoking or goading each other, and feeling short tempered and dissatisfied. It won’t be long before the kids bear the brunt of your ill temper and frustration.

On the other hand, if you are a woman, your husband may not be very patient or considerate. In a country that does not consider marital rape a crime, he may not wait long before he forces himself on you and then makes a habit of it.

In India, where female sexuality is a taboo, a man suffering from erectile dysfunction may not even realize the frustration and difficulties his wife is going through.

As uncomfortable as the issue may be to address, it must be tackled as early as possible. Sexual dysfunction can affect both men and women of all ages. The causes could be physiological or psychological. In many cases it can be treated through either medication, counseling or therapy.

What Causes Sexual Dysfunction?

Sandhya has written an illuminating article detailing the causes of female sexual dysfunction (FSD), where I learned about vaginismus. It is an involuntary constriction of the perivaginal muscles, that occurs due to a fear of sex. Isn’t sex supposed to be divine? Why would anyone fear it?

In India, sex education is barely touched upon. Even if the mechanics of sex is clinically explained, the importance of foreplay and lubrication isn’t mentioned. Women are discouraged from exploring their sexuality to figure out what they find pleasurable. In case of some arranged marriages, where the couple barely know each other, discussing sexual preferences, even if the woman has explored her sexuality is awkward.

In the absence of sexually stimulating circumstances, if a woman has to open up her body for penetration without the overwhelming desire for it, sex can be quite terrifying. This can result in a painful first experience, resulting in a fear of sex.

Child sexual abuse and marital rape can also cause vaginismus. Many men do not consider their wife’s needs, wants or pleasure during sex. In the absence of foreplay and sufficient lubrication sex can be painful. Small homes with large families and limited privacy are not conducive to spontaneous love making.

Apart from these psychological issues a number of physiological health conditions can result in FSD. Polycystic ovarian syndrome and endometriosis are both difficult to diagnose and can contribute to FSD. Injuries during childbirth and make sex traumatic and result in vaginismus. Women often tend to prioritize the well-being of family members, especially kids, and ignore their own health issues. Problems like urinary tract infections and bacterial vaginosis left untreated can make sex unpleasant.

Vaginal dryness and other hormonal issues during peri-menopause and menopause can make sex unpleasant or reduce libido resulting in FSD.

What Can You Do About It?

While some couples may resign themselves to a sexless marriage, others sought couples therapy. Therapy can help overcome sexual dysfunction resulting from psychological causes and overcome fears. In case of physiological causes of sexual dysfunction, therapy can help couples deal with the difficulties of married life under these circumstances. Here is one woman’s account of being married to a loving man with erectile dysfunction. Sometimes, it may be possible to treat the underlying cause when sexual dysfunction stems from physiological problems like PCOS or endometriosis.

Whatever the cause of sexual dysfunction, living in denial, does not help. However uncomfortable the subject may be, a couple must find a way to talk about it and find a way around it together. In such conversations sensitivity is of utmost importance. Both parties must make an effort not to trigger insecurities the other is likely to be experiencing. Seeking help from a medical professional to determine the underlying cause and working on it can go a long way towards sustaining a healthy marital and family life.

This article was first published on Women's Web.